Driving home from from Boston today we stopped in NoHo for lunch. It was so great to be back! I was ready to graduate, but now I miss living in Northampton. I could live there forever. It has everything I need, and is very midwife-friendly, and beautiful. I was able to buy sex toys, kombucha, and frozen yogurt all on the same block and within the half hour window that my parents gave me before we had to get back on the road. I feel like I’ve been kicked out of Eden. 

I’m pretty much ready to leave, but I will miss my friend Corylee. She’s made being in Boston way more fun, and I realized just how much I’ve appreciated her friendship the past couple of days since she has been away. She came back today though, and wanted to hear all about hanging out with A., soup to nuts. She listened to a lot of nervousness leading up to hanging out, so she knew all the background stuff, and she was really glad that we had such a good time. We also went for a nice, long walk around the river today, and then had dinner together, and played cards. Corylee is super into crafts, so I showed her my new website addictions, and she was really excited and totally understood the appeal of making hundreds of origami stars to string on a garland. I felt so shy around her when we first met, but I’m so glad we got past it, because she’s just wonderful. 

It’s pretty serious. I’m addicted to… apartment porn (dum dum DUM). It started out innocently enough, with a browse through Real Simple, that led me to Lovely Undergrad, and then ReadyMade. I want to make awesome DIY planters out of bricks, and mason jar lanterns. I’m dying for an apartment of my own. 

I joke that this job has led me to relate to The Trunchbull from Mathilda’s statement that the perfect school is one where there aren’t any children. Living in the same house as the students has been really stressful, but living by myself is pretty weird. Technically, I’m living with four other people, but it’s a big house and I never see them. It’s a little lonely. 

The dining hall isn’t open because there aren’t any students, and so I’m on my own for meals this week. There’s a fridge, and a microwave, but no stove, or preparation space to speak of, and so my options are kind of limited. I don’t mind eating in a restaurant by myself, but I don’t love it, and it’s expensive, even if Embassy is supposedly going to pay me back, so I went to the grocery store today. I’ve done some grocery shopping for myself before, but there’s an art to it, and I haven’t quite got it yet. I wanted to buy things that were healthy, affordable, and didn’t take a lot of preparation, so I opted for sandwich thins, peanut butter, jelly, broccoli, sugar snap peas, bananas, and cherries.I know that the cherries and peas were kind of decadent, and I got pre-cut broccoli because I don’t have a knife or cutting board, and someone else is footing the bill. It’ll be pb&j for a week, but I’ve done that before, and I can go out if I get really bored.

I’m a little sad that this job is almost over. Things always feel like they’ll stay the way they are forever, and so I’m always a little unsettled by change. I’ll miss the city. I’ve liked living here, but I don’t plan on coming back to stay. Boston is great- it’s beautiful, and fun, and I love the Charles, and the Public Garden, but I wouldn’t live here. It doesn’t fit right. That doesn’t mean I don’t like it, but it isn’t for me in the long term. 

I sometimes worry that I try too hard. With other people. I actually felt the need to go shopping yesterday before hanging out with A., just to make sure that I had the perfect casual, classy, pretty outfit for walking around the city. My nail polish matched my outfit. I mapped out our walking route and went for a pre-walk walk to make sure it was pretty and interesting. When it’s possible, I always brush my teeth right before kissing someone, and I make sure to wear pretty underwear when I’m on a date, even if the other person never gets near them, just as a way of making that extra effort. I spray perfume on my brush so my hair smells nice, and I compliment the other person a whole bunch. I like doing these things, but I sometimes think I’m doing them out of insecurity. The people I date don’t seem to worry as much as I do, and I like them anyway, warm breath, and boring underpants and all. At the same time though, people seem to appreciate the effort I take to make things seem sexy and special. And it kind of gives me a little mystique, which is important, because in real life I’m as mysterious as a peanut butter sandwich. It’s sort of like going out to a restaurant- you want it to be sort of special sometimes, but sometimes you just want to go to your favorite spot after a softball game and hang out in your sweaty uniform and not overthink. I like my way of doing things, but I think it shows how rarely I’m in an actual relationship because you can’t keep up the pageantry when you’ve been with someone for years and they’ve seen you at your best, worst, and in between. I don’t even do as much hoop-jumping as a lot of girls, with their make up, and fancy hair, and vajazzling, but it feels good to make that effort. It makes me feel girly, and like I might not be so terrible at this whole dating thing.    

I’m bad with money. I don’t really like thinking about money, so I don’t, and then it’s gone, and I feel stupid. One of my favorite bloggers wrote a series of posts about how she manages her money, and it made me think about how I could be smarter about my finances. Writing stuff down would help, so I know how much I’m spending. Budgeting is apparently important as well. Sigh. I liked it when I was in college and never had to think about money in any real-life important ways. I’m still hiding from the real world in the sense that I don’t have to pay for food or rent, but I’m getting to that point. The thing is, that until I start my career I can’t really imagine having an interim job that pays a livable wage. I know people who just graduated with me and are getting paid big bucks and have health insurance and are thinking about buying cars. Someone from my class in high school owns their own house already! It’s crazy! I’m still living in my prolonged adolescence, applying to work as a waitress. I’m really hoping someone (not me or my family) will pay for my nursing school, but I want to kind of be prepared if that doesn’t pan out. SO. This is my vow: I am going to be less of an idiot when it comes to money. I feel a little better having checked my online banking and remembered that I bought plane tickets, and that’s where a bunch of money went, but I still need to be smarter about this kind of thing. So I’m going to. Lisa, the blogger I mentioned before, apparently puts all of her singles and change into savings. I think I’ll start there. It seems like a good baby step. 

Such a good day.